Tywin Lannister - Izembaro
Cersei Lannister - Lady Crane (Stork)
Tyrion Lannister - Bobono
Eddard "Ned" Stark - Camello
Sansa Stark - Bianca
Joffrey Baratheon - Clarenzo
Margaery Tyrell - Unbilled
Act I
<Robert strides across the field, looking for game>
Robert: (farts) Ahh! Oh, murdered by a boar.
Robert: The great big hairy whore.
Robert: He dug in his tusks and dug out my guts and soon I am no more.
Joffrey: Oh, come, Father, in bed you must lie.
Joffrey: I love you, Father.
Joffrey: Please don't die.
Robert: <slaps Joffrey> Shut up, you swine! Cersei, more wine.
<Joffrey kneels>
Cersei: I feel the winds of winter as they lick across the land.
Cersei: And our son alone on that cold, cold throne without a guiding hand.
Cersei: Who will teach him strength? Who will teach him grace?
Cersei: To whom will he turn when it's time to learn to look darkness in the face?
Robert: Ned Stark will do fine.
Robert: Now bring me more wine.
<Tyrion pours Robert a cup>
Ned Stark: Ooh! Ooh, what's happened here, then?
Tyrion: He brought you here, Ned Stark, 'cause you're the brightest fellow in the land.
Tyrion: You should be king of us all and I should be your Hand.
Ned Stark: We men of the North are right good hands at keeping people lawful.
Ned Stark: I'd ask him for permission, but he smells too bloody awful.
Robert: <screams> I die! I die! And here I now must lie.
Robert: Oh, woe.
Robert: Oh, no.
Robert: (farts) Oh, I am about to go. (farting)
Cersei: Will you stay on as Joffrey's Hand?
Ned Stark: The Iron Throne's what I demand.
Cersei: You cannot.
Ned Stark: I can.
Cersei: You will not.
Ned Stark: I will.
Cersei: You dare not.
Ned Stark: I dare yes.
Cersei: The line of succession.
Ned Stark: What's that mean?
Cersei: The proper progression.
Ned Stark: What's that mean?
Cersei: The lawful ascension.
Ned Stark: What's that mean?
Ned Stark: So move along, give me my chair and there won't be no more trouble.
<Joffrey slaps Ned>
<Tyrion holds a knife to Ned's throat>
Ned Stark: (grunts) But we had a deal all done and dusted.
Ned Stark: I'm starting to think you can't be trusted.
<Cersei crowns Joffrey>
<Joffrey waves to the crowd>
<Two soldiers put Ned on the chopping block>
<Sansa enters stage left>
Sansa: Save my father. Truly you should.
Cersei: Killing the man will do you no good.
Sansa: Save him, please.
Cersei: Show him mercy.
Cersei: Show the people what a good king should be.
<Ned Stark nods>
Joffrey: Good people, you may all relax.
Joffrey: My father's friend shall be spared the --
<Executioner chops Ned Stark's head off>
Sansa: (screams) Father!
Sansa: <runs to pick up head and kneels> No! Oh, Father.
<Executioner takes head and tosses it to right soldier behind Ned's body>
Sansa: Oh!
<Joffrey catches a fainting Sansa>
Tyrion: Worry not! All is well.
Tyrion:I have here a decree from my father, Tywin Lannister, the richest man you'll see.
Tyrion: He proclaims me Hand of the King.
Tyrion: The position's mine for life.
Tyrion: And he's given me permission to take Sansa as my wife.
<Tyrion grabs Sansa's hand and puts it on his groin and grinds>
Sansa: (screams)
<Joffrey stands and towers, glowering at Tyrion>
<Tyrion slaps Joffrey>
Sansa: (whimpers)
Tyrion: You'll learn that what I lack in height, I make up for in appetite.
<Tyrion tears opens Sansa's blouse>
Sansa: (screams)
Tyrion: So let's forget about your plight, and go rehearse our wedding night.
<Tyrion leds Sansa exit stage left>
End Act I
Act II
<Tyrion gets drunk at his wedding>
<Joffrey implores the newlyweds to have their bedding ceremony>
<Tyrion and Sansa consummate the marriage>
Act II?
<Tyrion and Sansa stage right>
<Margaery behind dias on right>
<Cersei stage left>
<Joffrey cuts open pigeon pie with sword>
Joffrey: The lion and the rose are one.
Joffrey: I thank the gods above.
<Margaery strides quickly to hold hands with Joffrey>
Joffrey: And to you, my beauteous bride, I pledge undying love.
<Joffrey kisses Margaery's hand>
All: Hail King Joffrey.
Hail Queen Margaery.
<Joffrey and Margaery go back behind the royal dias>
Joffrey: I'll drink a toast to my new queen, for there is no one fairer.
Joffrey: Dear Uncle, will you share my joy and be my royal cupbearer?
<Tyrion walks from position right on stage>
Tyrion: Drink long and deep, my noble king, from this cup of sweet wine.
Tyrion: The last drink he shall ever take.
Tyrion: And vengeance shall be mine. (laughs)
<Joffrey takes cup from Tyrion and drinks>
Joffrey: (gurgle)
<Joffrey moves to center stage>
Joffrey: Poison! Murder! I gasp.
Joffrey: I-- I-- I die.
Joffrey: I limp.
Joffrey: And it was he ---
<Joffrey points cup at Tyrion>
<Tyrion wiggles wine flask>
Joffrey: that poisoned me.
Joffrey: My evil Uncle Imp.
<Joffrey collaspes>
<Tyrion laughs and exits stage right with Sansa>
<Cersei moves and kneels besides Joffrey and takes his head in her hand>
Cersei: My son.
Cersei: My firstborn son.
Cersei: My child king, hush.
Cersei: Listen to the gods, for you they sing.
Cersei: Fight no more, sweet child,your wars are won.
Cersei: The wolves are buried and the false stag done.
Cersei: Shut your blue eyes, my love.
Cersei: Let the crown fall.
Cersei: The Father above beckons you to his hall.
Cersei: In Seventh Heaven I'll see you once more.
Cersei: But now I seek vengeance on Sansa the whore
Cersei: And my brother the Imp who killed his own king.
Cersei: Born amongst lions, our curse from within.
Cersei: I will slay him, I swear.
Cersei: With noose or with knife,
Cersei: though it take me a fortnight,
Cersei: A moon or my life.
Cersei: My firstborn son.
Cersei: My golden lion foully, falsely slain.
Cersei: I pray you found a lasting peace free from strife and pain.
Cersei: Hear my prayer, O cruel gods
Cersei: Take my life instead.
Cersei: For I cannot face another day when my sweet boy is dead.
Cersei: Oh, woe.
Cersei: Oh, grief.
Cersei: (crying) Oh, darkest day, my heart is full of sorrow.
Cersei: (gasp) All hope is lost.
Cersei: All joy is gone.
Cersei: And there is no tomorrow.
<Cersei kisses Joffrey's cheek and lays his head down gently>
<Tywin sits on "throne">
<Tyrion enters stage right with crossbow>
Tyrion: What is that I hear and smell? Someone I'll soon send to hell.
Tyrion: It's time to see if truth they told who said Tywin Lannister shits gold.
<Tyrion aims and shoots Tywin>
Tywin: (groans) You beast.
Tywin:You beast.
Tywin: You killed my wife and now you've taken your father's life.
Tywin: No worse child ever stained this land.
Tywin: Curse the day I named you.
Tywin: (groans) (farts) (dies)
Tyrion: My greatest crime!
Tyrion: Now I must flee.
Tyrion: Then sail across the Narrow Sea to do unto you more treachery.
Tyrion: Don't fear winter.
Tyrion: Fear me! (evil laugh)
<Tyrion shoots another bolt into the canopy>
<Tyrion exits stage right>
End Act II?
End - Fini
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